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A Time of Reflection

Some experiences change you from the inside out, without it even being a conscious act. That is how I feel right now, as if I have undergone a complete overhaul as a person and I am not entirely sure when my old self died and the new emerged. I used to look at my mother, sister, grandma and wonder how they managed to be so strong while carrying heavy burdens on their shoulders. I waited for the strength to be delivered to me like some rite of passage, coming into adulthood, but always felt dependent on other's instead. I saw my husband as the strong one in our relationship - he is mature, loyal, trustworthy, constant - and assumed that he would be my rock. I never imagined it to be the other way around. My strength did arrive, because it had to, when the burden is heavy enough your only choice is to give up or keep going. Strength doesn't feel the way my mother made it look. I think strength can be vulnerability. My strength came in silent tears in the dark of the night... letting it all out so I could begin anew the next day. It came in journalling, to unlock my secret emotions and keep them from poisoning me. It came in yoga class, where I could physically open my chest and exhale my stress into the universe. It came in prayer. It came in honesty - with my self, my husband, our families - and allowing them to share in our fear and grief. And strangely enough, it came in the kitchen. I can lose myself in the grocery store, while cooking, and savouring new tastes. When everything was feeling out of my control I knew the one thing that I could control was what went into our bodies. Before my husband was diagnosed and no one seemed to be able to help us I took comfort in feeding him, it was the only way I felt helpful in the least. We are hopeful that in five more days, and five more doses, the bacteria inside of him will be depleted and that we can begin restoring his body. I am still in awe of the fact that something microscopic can be monumentally devastating. Everything is going to be okay though and in the face of adversity I am grateful for the spiritual awakening we have been granted. We are young, and now we are educated, and we have a lifetime ahead to nurture our bodies.

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Comment by Aleksandar Radan on March 16, 2011 at 8:53pm: "To FEEL it, is to KNOW it...."; wisdom is poured into our soul, not into our brain. Feel life, know life, live life, shine and always, always, always....Keep Rising! You have proven you can. Thanks for sharing and inspiring.

Comment by Jeri Taira on March 4, 2011 at 6:05pm: Praying in hope with you and your family. "A lifetime ahead to nurture our bodies" - beautiful. What an adventure you're on. Your attitude and spirit are uplifting. Be encouraged. Do let us know how it all goes.

Comment by Tasha on February 21, 2011 at 1:33pm: Thank you everyone... each comment posted feels like a smile from a stranger when passing by, unexpected and welcoming. : )

Comment by betts on February 21, 2011 at 4:52am: something always happens for a reason................... strength, love, to you all.........